Do You Feel Validated? Do You Allow Others Opinions Determine How You Feel? Being “In Self” at Times Can Be a Good Thing …

Do You Feel Validated? Do You Allow Others Opinions Determine How You Feel? Being “In Self” at Times Can Be a Good Thing …


Validation
–that sense of self as unique, worthy, and valued, with a connection with others and the universe. Validation, with no judgment, is vital for inner peace and happiness, and without it, you may feel you don’t matter. You may even feel invisible. In other words, validation requires unconditional recognition, acceptance, and appreciation for the whole person you are.

You may remember when someone lifted your spirits, and you felt good about yourself. And you may remember when some put you down, and you felt like a nothing inside. So others have the power to validate positive and negative, and you go through the ups and downs of how others make you feel.

Most of us get some positive validation from others, but there are those who live their whole life with a self-image of nothingness. When I worked in the jail, I counseled the homeless mentally ill. Sometimes I told them I saw their bright mind and good heart, and they could do something with their life. Their reaction was always the same. They’d pause, overwhelmed with tears, and say, “Nobody ever said that to me…nobody.” Then they’d wipe their tears on their shirt sleeve and smile. Validation gave them some meaning in their empty life.

We need to let each other know we’re important and appreciated, but in order to gain dominion over our own feelings, we need to learn self-validation from within. What would it be like if you validated yourself, and didn’t need it from anyone else? You would have dominion over your feelings, and it would prevent opinions by others from invalidating you. And you’d be free.

“The only permission, the only validation, and the only opinion that matters in our quest for greatness is our own.”  ~Steve Marboli

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Self-validation –
is a life-long process, and our experiences teach us what we need to know about ourselves. We become less critical; we gain more understanding and tolerance of our total self, and we free ourselves to be who we truly are. We don’t create a new person. We simply allow our true authentic ‘Self’ to emerge.

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So how do you learn self-validation with the strength to maintain it?

1.  Assume the role of an observer, and think about how you really feel about you. Sad, wounded, pretty good, could be better, disappointed, etc. No judgment. Just observe and let it be.


2.  You don’t have to like every feeling you have, but you do need to own all of your feelings. They’re yours. They belong to you. And you can do whatever you want with them. Throw them in the trash, hang them on the wall, get a refund. Notice when you’re feeling judgmental, and decide you’re done with that feeling. Take judgment and criticism out of your life forever.

3.  Identify and list what you consider positive and negative about you. Decide what you want to keep and what you want to release.

An Example:  I interrupt people when they’re talking. I can release that one.
I let dishes pile up in the sink. It’s okay to do that. (Smile) etc.

4.  Start being kind to you, and know you deserve it. Give yourself what you missed as a child; begin giving yourself what you seek from others; when you feel unhappy or stressed, ask what you need, and when possible provide it for yourself; watch for success and praise yourself.

5.  Accept mistakes and shortcomings as part of your learning process, and every day, look in the mirror and say, “This is me, warts and all. And I’m absolutely amazing.”

As you move along, practice relating less to your human self and more to your Higher Self, that part that transcends human pain and knows the truth of who you are. Take back your dominion over how you feel, and let that higher Self-shine with love and peace in your heart. You are beautiful.

May you always be true to your special Self.

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Marilyn Fowler, Author of  Self-Help Book “Silent Echoes.”

 


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Staying Sane In Stressful Situations.

Stress blog 5

I’ve heard that problems come in threes, and I recently had my three. First I was ready to copy an important paper, but my printer was out of ink. Okay. Get more ink. But I forgot how to insert a new ink cartridge. So I got out the manual, studied, and did it right. That wasn’t so hard after all.

Then feeling smug about my first ordeal, the second one appeared. My land phone had been giving me less and less time to talk before it beeped and then cut me off. Finally, it just died. I know about people, but I’m a dummy with mechanical stuff, so I got out the manual. Manuals are so smart. They know everything. Well, I learned that phones need new batteries. Duh. So I got a new battery and solved that problem.

Then my third challenge came when my A/C wasn’t putting out cold air. Now that was really out of my league, and I couldn’t remember if I ever had a manual to solve that one. I figured a repair person wouldn’t need a manual, but they can be expensive. However, sweat running down my back convinced me there was no other way. So I called a brilliant repair person, then sat under the cool air reassuring myself that it was worth every penny.

By now I was sick of feeling stressed out solving problems, one after another. I know what to do with stress, how to manage it, or even eliminate it, but that’s hard to do when you’re in the midst of a crisis. I realize those weren’t big crises, but don’t they seem like giants when you’re confronted with them, especially when you’re one manual short? I envy people who can keep their sanity even when vultures are descending to eat their young. We could take a lesson from them. The people, not the vultures.

So now I’m retrieving my little Mental Stress Manual to remind me to pay attention the next time stress attacks me. I’ve been through some biggies in my life. Handled some well, some not so well. And if you ignore stress or don’t know it’s there, it can really do a number on you. You just gotta be prepared.

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So here’s how my little Mental Stress Manual says to handle stress in any situation. You have to catch the stress before it gets full blown because full-blown is too late. Right before you feel the stress, you’ll feel a very subtle knot in your stomach. Sometimes a knot in your belly is from something you ate, but with stress, it can come from something you’re thinking about. On the outside it can come from another person and/or situation. And it depends upon how you’re responding.

Do you feel capable to handle whatever’s happening? Or are you caught up in pangs of concern over the happening? If it’s the latter, and you feel that knot, you better get busy with your stress obliteration technique. It’s a monster if you let it get out of hand. And it’s a lot more difficult to solve a problem when you’re stressed out. You can begin with a few deep breaths to get you on the right track.

“One of the best lessons you can learn in life is to master how to remain calm.” ~Catherine Pulsifer

 

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1. Identify the beginning of stress (the knot) and talk to it. “Hello. I know you well, and I want you to know that I’m not at all afraid of you. I decree that no matter what you do, you have no power over me. You’re no more than a fly on a horse’s rump. And I’m the horse. I have the power to handle any situation in a calm, peaceful way, which I intend to do. So you might as well leave now.”

2. Whether the situation is internal or external, picture an image of something that represents peace to you. ie A dove, a white aura, angels, balloons floating in the air, a beautiful sunrise, whatever has meaning for you. And associate with that peaceful feeling as the stress loses its power, or better yet, doesn’t even materialize.

3. Express gratitude. No matter what the result, express gratitude. 

The more you do this, the more effective it becomes. And if you forget, like I did, you can even create your own Mental Stress Manual and start over. Stress can be a stubborn critter, but you can be stubborn-er, and turn it off. And you become stronger with each experience.

I wish you peaceful encounters in your life.

Marilyn Fowler, Self-Help Author, and Writer ~  “Silent Echoes” and Me and Granmama in the Hill Country available now on Amazon online.

 

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How To Let Anger Work For You. Part 2, Taming The Tiger…

“Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into power, which can move the whole world.   ~William Shenstone

As you go through life, whatever you encounter demands some kind of response. And the way you perceive and interpret external and internal situations dictates what each response will be. Most of your responses are automatically just daily routine. But when a situation produces a strong emotion like fear, frustration, loss, insecurity, or hurt, anger may follow. And you let the tiger run loose on someone or something. Deep down you know it doesn’t solve anything, except maybe give you a false sense of satisfaction and power. But you still go there. Perhaps you’ve actually given it power over you.

During my years of angry outbursts, when I threw a chair through my backdoor screen, or slung spaghetti against my kitchen wall, or all my other angry episodes, I believed that lashing out would stop my pain. But it left me exhausted, and I still hurt inside. Then I learned there’s another side to this phenomenon. Anger can be useful if you use it as a tool for positive change rather than a remedy that doesn’t work. Yes, it needs to be controlled, but it can help you grow and find more peace in your life.

Anger is pure energy, and you can work with it to your advantage. If you see anger as a teacher, you can use it as a catalyst to help you understand your fears and correct your faulty beliefs and perceptions, the real causes of your anger. The better you understand yourself, the better you’re able to deal with life situations.

“Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems.”  ~Melody Beattie 

Anger doesn’t stand alone. Anger is a symptom, and its presence is always a clue that something inside needs your attention, some emotional pain crying out for help that you need to work through. So when you feel anger building, pay attention, and change your focus to resolve issues and find some peace that you may have missed without this intervention. It can teach you to look inside and begin your search for answers through inner and outer work. As you do the work and changes take place within, your anger will gradually diminish, even disappear.

Inner Work 
1. Begin your search within for answers.

Write
 letters to yourself with questions: What am I afraid of? What in me feels threatened? 
What in me needs changing? What situations make me angry?
Recall times when you were angry and, without judgment, analyze what you were feeling then…fear, panic, anxiety, sadness? Be clear about what you remember. 
Write down whatever answers you discover.

2. Clearing painful feelings.

Confront each answer with solutions for positive change, and work on ways to create the changes you want. Emphasize peace, strength, power, etc. You might address your painful feelings to release them like, “Now I release you with love.” Or use affirmations, “I let go of the pain. I am free.” If this process seems difficult, take some breaths and repeat. It gets easier.

3. Forgive others who may have hurt you.
And forgive yourself for not being perfect.

Outer Work
1. Stopping anger.
When anger appears, listen to what it’s telling you. Then quickly stomp your foot to get rid of it with a keyword that has strong meaning for you like, No, Stop, Whoa, etc. Repeat several times until it weakens and maybe stops.

2. If anger remains, repeat step 1 again and refocus on affirming statements.
“I have a right to be in control of my actions, I take back my power,”
 etc. Use whatever stops the angry feeling before it becomes full blown. Now you’re on your way to taming the tiger. Work with it until it gives up.

Anger may totally disappear, but if it still pops up once in a while, use your outer work and release it by doing something active. I do my best house cleaning when I’m angry. Ride a bike, run around the block, clean the car. Once you learn to identify and better deal with inner problems, anger won’t visit you as often. Just be happy.

I wish you peaceful days ahead to be your special self.

Marilyn Fowler, Author “Silent Echoes” and Me and Granmama in the Hill Country available now on Amazon online.

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How To Let Anger Work For You. Part 1.   It Can Be Done.

How To Let Anger Work For You. Part 1. It Can Be Done.

Dear Readers, Today we’re living in an angry world, and some of it can rub off on us causing discomfort, even pain. But anger doesn’t have to be a bad thing when you understand it and know how to make it work for you. In the past, I published a blog post on that subject, and would now like to share it again.

Hopefully, it will turn some jangled nerves to more heartfelt peace …

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“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.”  ~Marshall B. Rosenberg

The pot of spaghetti slammed into the wall, and I watched my supper run down onto my clean kitchen floor. I stomped my feet in it, and then got a hammer and a box of nails to repair the backdoor screen through which I’d just thrown a chair. I already needed to buy a new lamp. The one I threw across the room last week was beyond repair.

That was me–way too often–for too many years when repressed anger broke down the dam and gushed through with a mighty force. I know about anger. When I was a child, I was forbidden to show anger. But it had to go somewhere, so it seethed inside, waiting until I became an adult and could let it out, uncontrolled and very painful.

Anger is a complex critter. When projected outward, it becomes destructive, sometimes even lethal. It can ruin relationships, careers, even property, as in my outbursts toward whatever inanimate object was within my reach when the monster reared up inside. Society tells us we shouldn’t get angry, and if we do, we should just suck it up. As if stuffing it down somewhere inside is going to dissolve it. But when anger is repressed, it can cause ulcers, blood pressure imbalance, heart disease, any number of illnesses. On my 30th birthday, I vowed to never have another angry tantrum. And I didn’t. But then my anger turned inward and caused severe depression.

According to Marion Ross in her book, ‘Removing Your Mask’, anger is a specific form of fear at a very deep level, and most anger shows that people’s internal and external realities are not in balance. The real message of anger is almost always about one’s own beliefs, perceptions, or actions in a given situation or with particular people, not the situations or people themselves. P 194-195.

“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” ~Eckhart Tolle

So what causes anger? Where are you hurting?

 

Sometimes repressed anger will surface without a conscious reason. But anger is often your response to a thought, idea or belief that you or others are being treated unfairly or threatened by someone or something–look what they’re doing to me, or that other person–or that you’ve fallen short of your standards for yourself–I’m so stupid. I should have done better. These perceptions may be associated with self-esteem issues, needing to feel secure and safe, your own imperfection, loss of something in your life, your sense of caring for others, or something as simple as a need to be right. For some, being wrong means invalidation of self, but being right provides a false sense of power.

When a situation arouses an inner fear, you may perceive anger as a way to deal with a situation, sometimes just to let off steam like throwing a chair through a screen door. Some of your perceptions may be accurate, but lashing out in anger is not the answer. Anger is a natural human emotion, and it can kill you or save your life, depending on how you use it. But you must use it wisely for it to work for you instead of against you.

Next week in Part 2, I’ll go into some ways to tame the tiger and put you in control, ways to allow it to help heal your fears and grow in truth.

I wish you a peaceful week.

Marilyn Fowler, Author “Silent Echoes” and Me and Granmama in the Hill Country available now on Amazon online.

 

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Miracles Do Happen. See Your Miracles With Your Heart…

 

Dear Readers. We all experience miracles in our lives. Some people only see a small coincidence, but others see an amazing miracle and never forget. Today I was reminded of one of my miracles. And I’d like to share it with you.

Of Course
Sometimes our prayers are answered in unexpected ways. When this happens to me, my initial response is usually one of amazement. But within a short time, I respond with of course and a knowing smile of gratitude.

One such blessing occurred when I worked in Administration for a Mental Health Agency coordinating services in five nursing homes. As a Psychotherapist, I’d worked in various settings, but now my work had become unfulfilling, and I felt overwhelmed and disillusioned. I made a list to satisfy my work needs, but after a week of good intentions, nothing came of it. So when one of the Counselors could not come into work, I filled in for her myself and gathered information on new patients to complete our files.

It was late in the day when I entered Martha’s room, my last patient, before leaving the nursing home. Martha was eighty-one years old, a frail woman with white hair and hazy blue eyes. Her face held lines pinched with time as if she hadn’t smiled since she was young. She was oriented and alert, but in a highly agitated state when I approached her. She sat on the edge of her bed wringing her hands and swaying from side to side. She looked at me but didn’t acknowledge my presence.

I pulled a chair over beside her. “It’s all right, dear,” I said. “I just want to talk with you for a while.” She watched curiously as I held her small hands and quietly began to calm her while asking questions for my files. “What kind of work did you do? How far did you go in school?”

He body became still, and she continued watching me. But she had not spoken when she suddenly reared back and asked with serious eyes, “Did God send you?”

Her question startled me, but I considered the importance of this situation. “Well…maybe He did,” I answered and smiled.

“Well, I think He did,” she said with firm conviction.

At that moment I decided my files could be completed another time, and I became open and receptive to whatever God had in mind for us. Martha began to relax and spoke of times she spent with her children when they were small. Her hands stopped shaking and her face lit up with memories of swimming in the creek, John learning to read, and Billy chasing chickens around the yard. She was engrossed in her stories. And I listened.

In a while, her head nodded, and her breathing became shallow. I saw she was tired, so I suggested she lay back on her pillow. When she was comfortably settled, I moved closer and asked if she could imagine things in her head. She nodded. Then I asked, “Can you imagine yourself a little child cradled in God’s loving arms, feeling safe and at peace?”

“Yes, I can do that,” she answered, slowly closing her sleepy eyes.

I watched her face for a moment and saw her thin mouth broaden into a peaceful smile. “I have to go now,” I said. “But you rest and know that anytime you feel nervous and upset, you can just go inside and be with God, and He will comfort you.”

“Mmm hmm.” She squeezed my hand.

I left the room and felt my own peace as I stood in the hallway and glanced back at her. Now my work-needs list contained only one item. My answer was clear. I had to work with patients like Martha. Of course, I thought, and I felt a knowing smile of gratitude.
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Yes, miracles happen. Of course, they do. And sometimes they bring a smile. But is a miracle a happenstance? Is it a blessing from God? Is it angels knocking on your door? You interpret them in your own way as they make sense to you. But know when you experience one. And some miracles may even change your life.

I wish you amazing times to remember.

Marilyn Fowler, Author “Silent Echoes” and Me and Granmama in the Hill Country available now on Amazon online.

 

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The Many Faces Of Change And How They Affect Your Life.


Recently I was sitting outside watching leaves fall from the big oak trees, and I saw the first blossoms on my camellia bushes revel in the sunshine. A baby lizard ran behind the patio chair, and I heard birds talking bird language celebrating our early spring. I live in Florida, and we never know when an unpredictable weather change will arrive. So we go with the flow and welcome the beautiful change when it comes.

As I watched this change unfolding in nature, I thought about our own lives and the positive and negative changes we experience all the time. When life is going good, we coast along in the ‘status quo’ and don’t want anything to rock our boat. Then there are times we pray for or initiate a change to move us out of the mess we’re in. Change is a law of the universe. Things are always moving, repositioning, increasing and decreasing, or taking a different form. And nothing stands still.

“There are two types of change: the change we choose and the change that chooses us.”  ~ Linda Ellerbee

Some changes are so subtle we don’t even notice them happening. In the midst of a dull brain fog, I may notice a tremendous idea that quietly crept in. Or I’m amazed at how quickly dust accumulates on the furniture. It wasn’t there yesterday. But other devastating changes may hit suddenly, and these can affect our health, work, finances, relationships, any part of our life. Sometimes we have options, and we can choose what we want to change. But other times we’re forced to accept what we don’t want. And that’s life.

Changes may be easy or difficult, but either way, you could run into some inner obstacles. With a commitment to release something and create something new, you may feel overwhelmedHow can you let go of what’s familiar and learn a new way? Or maybe you cling to an uncomfortable situation because you fear the unknown. And resistance sets in. Or you might experience the loss of someone or something good in your life, and you have to make painful changes to adjust.

In the waves of change, we find our true direction.” ~ Unknown 

Change is inevitable, sometimes with unpredictable outcomes. We’re constantly being moved along our path with no two moments the same, and we can’t live in our status quo for long. Life is about growth, and we can’t grow with our feet in mud from the last rain. The new rain has new puddles. Maybe it’s time for new puddles.

“All that you touch you change. All that you change changes you.” ~Octavia Butler

Examine various issues in your life, maybe feelings, an attitude, a situation. Observe the bigger picture of yourself and your life, and imagine how you want it to be. Then decide if you’d like to release something, change for the better, or create something new. There’s no need to feel overwhelmed, afraid to change, or resistant to it. Everything you need is within you, and awareness supplies courage to make changes you might want. And if you feel now that your status quo is fine with you, just love yourself and be prepared for changes in the future. Remember change is inevitable.

Recently I came across a poem I’ve had for many years, and it reminds me of changes I’ve experienced in my life. The poem is quite revealing.

 CHANGE
I have resisted change with all my will,
Cried out to life, “Pass by and leave me still.”
But I have found as I have trudged time’s track
That all my wishing will not hold life back.
All finite things must go their finite way;
I cannot bid the merest moment, “Stay.”
So finding that I have no power to change
Change, I have changed myself. And this is strange.
But I have found out when I let change come,
The very change that I was fleeing from
Has often held the good I prayed for,
And I was not the less for change, but more.
Once I accepted life and was not loath

To change, I found change was the seed of growth.


I wish you a happy life filled with wonderful surprises.

Author, Marilyn Fowler


 

Thank You, Readers, Friends, and All My Wonderful Self-Help Visitors!

Thank You, Readers, Friends, and All My Wonderful Self-Help Visitors!

Hello, and Welcome Everyone!

I wanted to take a few moments before I put my next post up to say; “THANK YOU!”  I reached a new milestone here on my WordPress blog of 500+ LIKES and I could not be more HAPPY about that. I know it is mainly because of all of YOU who have taken the time out of your day to come visit, read and YOU made this happen. It does make me feel good to know that I am hopefully helping others live a full and happy life with the “Ole Wisdom” this 80+ something woman has gained through the years!

I do enjoy sharing my thoughts, hope, and life experiences with you. I do love reading others as we all share together, it seems to make this world a little more kind and we all move forward in a positive direction together.  So please don’t be afraid to voice your comments as I do enjoy them.

I wish you much peace, love, and LIGHT… Marilyn

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Author, Marilyn Fowler

 
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